Five Pillars of Communication

Could your communication with your spouse use a tune-up? How about a complete overhaul?

I’m currently reading a great book entitled, The Four Laws of Love, by Jimmy Evans and I’m really loving it. In it, he writes about the five pillars of communication, and I would like to pass them along to you.

Pillar #1 – Tone 

Have you ever said the right thing to your spouse, but with the wrong tone? This will come as no surprise to you, but here it is: the way we say something to our spouse is as important as what we say. In everything we say, we must vigilantly watch our tones and make sure they are communicating respect, care, and value.

Let’s take it a step further. Our tone must be shaped by our spouse’s deepest need. A man’s greatest need is respect (honor), and a woman’s greatest need is security (love), and every word we speak to our spouse must be encrypted with this in mind. 

A woman must know that her husband loves her unconditionally no matter what, and his heart is present and engaged as they are talking. 

A man must know that his wife thinks he is a good man who has what it takes, and that she is proud of him and believes in him. At that point he will be much more prone to talk honestly and openly. If a man feels disrespected, the communication his wife longs for will break down. 

Pillar #2 – Time

We can’t microwave communication. It takes time, which means we must make it a priority. We must be intentional and proactive. As Evans says in his book, 

It takes protected, prioritized time on a regular basis.

In fact, he makes the point that every couple needs to set aside 30-60 minutes every day to talk honestly and openly. And if that seems like an impossibility, then the first law of love must be revisited, the law of priority – which he writes about earlier in the book. 

When we do this, our thoughts and emotions do not become stale and toxic, and there is a deeper sense of friendship, partnership, and intimacy. 

Do you and your spouse have a daily, dedicated time to talk?

Pillar #3 – Trust

Any significant communication requires trust. They go hand in hand. Deeper communication leads to trust, and trust leads to deeper communication. As this occurs, we’re willing to open our hearts and expose ourselves. We’re willing to be vulnerable. 

As Evans says, 

The more you gain my trust, the wider the door of my heart opens.

And of course, the opposite is true as well. Trust is earned in drops and lost in buckets. 

So, let’s acknowledge the obvious here as well: sometimes we damage our spouse’s trust. What do we do then? We repent quickly. We ask for forgiveness. We behave differently next time. And we remind ourselves of the God-given (and spouse-given) privilege of being trusted with our spouse’s heart. 

Pillar #4 – Truth

Ephesians 4:15 says, “Speaking the truth in love we may grow up in all things…” (NKJV). 

This verse points out an important balance between truth and love. As Evans writes,

Truth without love is mean, and love without truth is meaningless. Truth without love is like surgery without anesthesia. Love without truth is like a cheerleader without a team. But truth in love is medicine. It is meaningful, and it is the only way communication can be effective and cause growth in relationships. 

There’s an important distinctive here. The “truth” as it relates to marriage is not necessarily the truth of the Bible…as important as that is. The truth, as it relates to a marriage, is our honest thoughts and feelings. 

It’s about having the freedom to share our true feelings in a safe environment together. And generally speaking, our feelings are neither right or wrong. They are amoral, meaning they are without morality. They just,….are. 

It’s important that we give our spouses the right to complain and be honest without being attacked or accused. Defensiveness shuts down honesty and keeps truth from being expressed. 

Communicating this to our spouse would sound something like this:

Honey, I want to be the best spouse I can be, and I want our marriage to grow. I want you to know that if there is anything I’m doing or not doing that is bothering you, I want you to share it with me. I may not agree with everything you say, but I will validate it, and we will talk things out.

Simply put, if our marriage is going to grow and mature, we must communicate openly without defensiveness or feeling threatened. In fact, Evans describes the difference between complaining (which can be constructive) and criticism (which is often destructive). 

Complaining would sound something like this:

Honey, you said something to me yesterday that bothered me, and I would like to talk about it. I’m not saying you meant anything bad by it, but I just want to talk it out. My feelings may be off base, but I don’t want to allow any room for dishonesty.

Criticism, on the other hand, is to attack and judge, with the verdict having already been made final. Complaining is simply communicating feelings without assigning blame; and it opens the door for open communication to take place.

Pillar #5 – Teamwork

As we grow in communication, we become more of a team with our spouse. And teamwork is a wonderful and powerful benefit of being married. 

As Evans writes,

For communication to occur as it should in marriage, we should let our spouses know that we accept and celebrate their differences. If we reject them or simply tolerate their differences, it damages the sense of unity and teamwork that is so crucial to a marriage relationship. 

And any great team acknowledges the need for those differences in order for the team to be successful. Teamwork is developed by letting our spouses know that we need them. We were lacking something when we were single, and they are God’s gift to us.

Well, there they are – Tone, Time, Trust, Truth, and Teamwork. I hope this short synopsis gets you thinking. Better yet, I hope it leads you and your spouse to a deeper level of communication, and satisfaction, in your marriage.